Minty Bit Stronger

Sadly I cannot take credit for this Puntastic piece of Genius... Enjoy the best ever complaint letter Pizza Express will ever recieve. Dear Sir/Madam, We recently organised a pay day work night out for Friday 27 th April, booking a table for 14 at the recently opened PizzaExpress restaurant in Blackpool so we could spend our hard-earned dough. However, when we arrived at the restaurant it had a sign outside saying that the extractor fan was broke and it was shut. We kneaded to find somewhere else to eat in a hurry, which as you can imagine was difficult for so many. Unfortunately, all we could find on such short notice was the crusty Indian restaurant round the corner. Topping it all off their card machine was broke so I had to go draw the cash out of the bank to pay for the meal, which will take me a month to claim back from work. It would have been courteous for the restaurant to ring us to let us know they were having their slice of difficulties to al...

Dear Sir or Madam,   I am so excited to be writing to you. I really like the ‘clickity’, ‘clackity’ noise of the keyboard under my finger tips. However, I am surprised it’s not more of a ‘thub’, ‘thub’ sound because my keyboard is full of biscuit crumbs. I like your biscuits so much it makes me sad to think there might be a whole biscuits worth of crumbs hiding under the letters on my keyboard. In fact this is my reason for writing this letter today. Simply put, your biscuits are the best. They are one of the things that make me happy to come to work because my boss likes buying us biscuits for when we do well at stuff. I do well at stuff all the time so I can get more biscuits. I hate to have favourites because I think it shows favouritism and can make people sad. But biscuits aren’t people so it’s ok to have a favourite and my favourite biscuit is the Happy Face one. If biscuits were like people and had feelings I wouldn’t tell them because I like all the others too...

Making women crazy since 2005 Dear Sir or Madam, I am writing to complain about how the Twilight books have destroyed my ability to get sex. Every girl I meet wants to talk about that damned Edward Cullen and isn’t interested in a living breathing sexual partner. Instead they prefer a man’s most intimate of intimates to be cold and blue. Normally when I struggle with girls in their twenties I move to women in their forties. These women are just as bad, in fact they’re even creepier because they are confident enough to make suggestions like ‘could you dress up like Edward’, ‘will you stand near that open freezer for twenty minutes’ and ‘can I put this glitter on you’. Sick! Because of those damned books I haven’t had intercourse in 15 months. If a real living man isn’t good enough we risk turning our women into grave robbers. Picture it: crazy women loose in graveyards making out with our dead relatives. Do you want that? Do you? I demand you remove them from ...

Dear Sir or Madam, I wanted to write to you to tell you how much a LOVE Hula Hoops. I especially love the BBQ beef flavour and am hungrily salivating just thinking about them. My preferred method of eating them is to stick them on the tip of my fingers and bite them off. Sometimes when I’m particularly hungry I accidentally nip the end of my finger and squeak in pain. But quickly the Hula goodness makes the pain go away. I like Hula Hoops so much I even go to Hula Hoop classes every Monday. At first when I went along I thought it would be people discussing the tasty snack but quickly realised I was wrong. Despite this mistake (and the fact their hula hoops taste plastic and hurt my teeth) I have continued to go along. I can spin the hoop around my waist and throw it in the air and catch it. Stuff that is hard to do with the Hula Hoops you make. When I first discovered your Hula Hoops I was very little and the hoops would slide all the way down my fingers. Now that I am grown up...