Minty Bit Stronger

Since Alexander McQueen committed suicide in 2010, Britain's beautifully upholstered fashion throne has remained empty. Wave after wave of up-and-coming designers have dreamt of planting their pristine derrières on the red velvet cushion and claim the fashion crown. Previous pretenders to the thrown include Matthew Williams, Julian McDonald and Stella MaCartney. Each with their own tragic tale of disappointment and failure. Matthew Williams will never take the crown after an ill fated collaboration with H&M that was instantly forgettable. Well do you remember it? E ven he can't recall it. Julian is buried under lip gloss and botox judging Grimsby's next top model demonstrating that when you can no longer design, it's best to retire to a TV panel and talk shit. Stella, daughter of the leather faced Beatle, designed the unforgivable England Olympic kit that looked normal on Will.i.am but made everyone else look like a crack head space cadet. So, with t...

With Christmas parties approaching every civilised member of society is now weighed down with worry: What to wear? Well, this is a question I'm going to 'skirt' around (see what I did there) and direct your attention to the the fact you could wear anything if you we're super skinny! But you're not you're a fatty-bum-bum! So don't worry about the outfit, just worry about your weight instead! Now that your self esteem is at an all time low I, like thousands of glossy magazines before me, will flog you a novelty diet to help you look like the unrealistic ideal self image you have fixed in your minds eye. So here it is:- Robert's Mega Good Guide to Drinking Yourself Skinny! Sweet Red Russian Let's start with something simple. I read somewhere that cranberries are good for something and Mary Poppins said a spoonful of sugar was good (with medicine) so mix the white stuff into the cranberry juice and then add crap loads of vodka. Easy. ...

So, here I am. Sat in the gruesome hospital waiting area. I note the walls are painted a weird shade of glaucoma and the chip wood furniture is the colour of bile. Between the shiny black circles of prehistoric chewing gum I can see what might have once been a mauve carpet. I'm not sure. The ceiling panels have those peculiar 'coffee stains' which make no sense as coffee stains cannot end up on a ceiling. What ever else they are I dread to think. A 12 month old copy of Tatler is on the MDF table besides me and judging from it's frayed pages I estimate it is the most infectious thing here. I sanitise my hands. Again. Why am I here? Well it's not just any old hospital... It's an eye hospital. I, dear reader, am writing this post with two throbbing eyes and one thumping headache. I hope that shows that I am a committed and selfless blogger. After a traumatic examination from my optician I was referred here. She said 'go ASAP', I waited til after work....

While trawling the vintage shops of Shoreditch I uncovered the key trends for autumn/winter 2012. Read on and discover what you need to wear in the coming months if you wish to retain credibility amongst your fashion  forward  friends and colleagues. Prison orange colour blocking Kim Kardashion has taken a break from being a dirty slut from a family of fame hungry whores. The memory of a sex video has long since been replaced instead by hundreds of images of her posing like a greased up oversexed baby seal. I digress... Remember her (deceased) lawyer father who famously defended OJ Simpson for that double murder. The racism defence was born and America lost 100 years of civil advancements in the blink of one jury verdict; a proud day. This last detail is being cleverly subverted by Kim when she decided to make prison orange a la mode. She's a fashion genius subverting her family connections to the darkest side of American celebrity by wearing the...

I am at a loss why they keep coming back for more abuse. Maybe they are fans of the blog or maybe 'they' are in fact a mindless messaging service. Here is my latest textual assault:-

On Friday I was lucky enough to attend to the Sorapol Autumn/Winter Show 2012 after being invited by LittleMissLove . I learned a great deal about the Fashion year ahead... such as... well, we'll all be wearing Human Skulls in our hair, or the fur of a bear on our head ...and we'll have an unearthly, deathly pallor to our skin. Like the weird sparkly shit in twilight except high fashion instead of totally, like, you know, gay! Another valuable lesson learned was that Boy George isn't at all an obese, attention grabbing, pointless has-been in a stupid hat. He is certainly not rude, irritating or badly dressed and didn't spend the entire show trying to upstage the models. I am glad I had the opportunity to clear that up for anyone who mistakenly thought he was a washed up fat prick (with a painted chin). Finally, I learned that designers steal from each other. Matthew Williamson was there stealing ideas - I discovered this when I stole his invite....

Today I should be calling businesses in the hope of selling a crappy e-newsletter sponsorship. Knowing that the only person dumb enough to say ‘yes’ would have to have had a full frontal lobotomy performed by a spastic at the wheels of a JCB. Sadly, this type of client is few and far between so rather than try I decided my day would be better spent entering lots of competitions on Twitter. In my pursuit of twitter glory I learned there are certain rules you must abide by if you wish to win. Here is my Guide to winning competitions on twitter. Firstly , you must react fast. Sometimes the competitions are time sensitive so you cannot be hindered by slow downloads or sluggish uploads. I advise that you avoid electro-magnetic fields which are proven to delay electrical impulses by hundredths of a millisecond. In addition to stepping away from the TV, Radio or the Rampant Rabbit you will need to wear natural fibres. Man made fibres collect static which can be also be hazardous...

Dear Sir or Madam,   I am so excited to be writing to you. I really like the ‘clickity’, ‘clackity’ noise of the keyboard under my finger tips. However, I am surprised it’s not more of a ‘thub’, ‘thub’ sound because my keyboard is full of biscuit crumbs. I like your biscuits so much it makes me sad to think there might be a whole biscuits worth of crumbs hiding under the letters on my keyboard. In fact this is my reason for writing this letter today. Simply put, your biscuits are the best. They are one of the things that make me happy to come to work because my boss likes buying us biscuits for when we do well at stuff. I do well at stuff all the time so I can get more biscuits. I hate to have favourites because I think it shows favouritism and can make people sad. But biscuits aren’t people so it’s ok to have a favourite and my favourite biscuit is the Happy Face one. If biscuits were like people and had feelings I wouldn’t tell them because I like all the others too...

Outside standing around I saw Olive coming towards me. I knew she had been off ill with a bad ear so I asked her about it... Me: Are you late? Olive: Maybe a little Me:  How is your ear? Olive: On the District Line! Me: What??? In honour of this bizarre confused answer I made the following image. Oh dear!

Hi, it's Jayne from the Bodychef. If you still need to lose weight I'd like to remind you that this 10% voucher code BODYTXT expires at the end of this month. Just use it online or over the phone. - www.bodychef.com - e-mail: jayne@bodychef.com - call me: 01502581162 - To unsubscribe txt NO Hi jayne, thank you for the reminder. I am not yet at my goal weight and really appreciate the support you are offering. My other friends say I'm not fat but I'm glad I have you to tell it like it is. However, I'm just not sure this is the best thing for me... I've heard very mixed reviews and imagine the food to be a little yucky! Can you allay my fears? Oh... And Jayne, I don't own a microwave, is that a problem? I'm afraid of the radiation... In fact I'm holding my phone at arms length because I'm afraid the text might fry me. I heard mobile's emit radiation too. Do you think that's true? Any way, I digress... What were you saying again?

This is what I spend my days thinking about. + + =

No longer am I a virgin to the myspace community. My cherry has well and truly be popped. Almost violently, I have thrown myself into this strange network of addicts and I feel welcomed. This place is very addictive and serves up friends present, past and future without fuss or fanfare. Bang! Speaking of Violent introductions… I am now the little boy in the big City. I landed in a big shiny plane on the damp tarmac at Gatwick around 9.30 last night. Then I lugged my BEAST of a suitcase into the heart of London where I was briefly dazzled by a handful of sights as my taxi whisked me to my rather posh Holiday Inn Hotel. Nando the receptionist checked me in… What kinda name is Nando, I mean really?? Then off to my lovely room that had… wait for it, a tv, a trouser press, scales in the batroom, a double bed, tea, coffee and… (pushing that boat out, now) …hot chocolate making facilities. My favourite had to be the White Dressing gown, you heard right… A White Dressing gown. My first e...

Dear Sir or Madam, I wanted to write to you to tell you how much a LOVE Hula Hoops. I especially love the BBQ beef flavour and am hungrily salivating just thinking about them. My preferred method of eating them is to stick them on the tip of my fingers and bite them off. Sometimes when I’m particularly hungry I accidentally nip the end of my finger and squeak in pain. But quickly the Hula goodness makes the pain go away. I like Hula Hoops so much I even go to Hula Hoop classes every Monday. At first when I went along I thought it would be people discussing the tasty snack but quickly realised I was wrong. Despite this mistake (and the fact their hula hoops taste plastic and hurt my teeth) I have continued to go along. I can spin the hoop around my waist and throw it in the air and catch it. Stuff that is hard to do with the Hula Hoops you make. When I first discovered your Hula Hoops I was very little and the hoops would slide all the way down my fingers. Now that I am grown up...

This is day one of the 'Big autumn health kick'. I'm employing every diet trick I know to shift a whopping 30lbs. In addition to dieting I'm now, officially a gym bunny. I've never, in my life so far, felt quite so queer. The boot met the derriere yesterday after I miscalculated my weight gain. Instead of seeing an extra 10 evil lbs I saw an army of 20 of the little bastards. Panic genuinely set in! It was very nearly a case of 'instant bulimia' but then, before me a vision appeared. Tyra Banks : model, tv presenter, chat show host, inventor, producer, business woman, style guru, and apparition (apparently!) If Tyra's taught us anything, it's that gut chucking to get thin is bad. (Like, seriously, you know!?) She whispered her wise words, struck a pose and told me to watch out for her next series (or 'Cycle') on Living. Feeling inspired and a little confused as to how my visions appear to be sponsored by Sky, I set about buildi...